So, whist enjoying some personal time last night, I decided to watch a movie. I still hadn't seen "When in Rome" and to be honest, I usually go for the romantic comedy. I figure, if I can't have a date tonight, I can watch someone who does! How adorable, some girl gets hit up side the head (figuratively, and some times literally) with romance. It's funny, it's dramatic, it's sugary sweet story that ultimately will leave a bad aftertaste in my mouth. The evening quickly unravels until I am curled in a fetus position telling myself it's not real, it's not real, it's not real. I like to call this process The Five Stages of Rom-Com.
Stage One: Excitement.
It's been a long week, I just need to relax. A movie! Yes, that is the perfect solution, because I can wear sweats and eat chocolate. And I always wanted to see this movie. It will probably stand the test of time! This will be an excellent evening.
Stage Two: Warm Fuzziness
There is no thinking that happens in this stage. As I watch the film, the world is a magical place and this must be how life really is. Lots of awwws.
Stage Three: Dissatisfaction
By the end of the credits, I am aware that there is not a single aspect of that movie to which I can relate. I haven't ever lived/visited NewYork/Rome/Paris. I don't own a dog, meet guys at weddings, or have quirky friends who drag me to secret parties. I don't work for the top _______ company or have a crazy ex/stalker. What am I DOING with my life?
Stage Four: Self Pity
I now know why my life is not like the movie. I am a broken human. Yep, there is something wrong with me. I am incapable of love. I am just a boring person with no life. And I probably don't deserve differently. Wo is me. I am so lame.
Stage Five: Melt down
I now realize there is no point. I might as well finish the 10 lbs box of chocolate at my feet, because that is the only joy I will have in this life. This stage culminates with me crawling in a blanket cave and trying to will myself into unconsciousness.
These stages are not set in stone. Sometimes a stage is skipped over completely. If there are other women present, all stages are amplified. If there is a boyfriend/date present, Stage Three is usually the last.
To be clear, I don't enjoy the last few stages. As soon as the warm fuzzies wear off, I vow never to watch another romantic comedy again, but alas, it is a promise I cannot keep. Last night, however, I made a discovery, I can avoid the last three stages completely if I follow the first movie with the right second movie. I discovered "Mr. Wrong." This mid-nineties movie about "A single and lonely woman finds the seemingly perfect man to date, but soon regrets it when his deranged and possessive other personality emerges and worst still, she cannot convince anyone else of his Jekyll/Hyde true nature." While it's not the best movie ever made, it stopped the viscous Rom-Com cycle. I realized, wow, I don't have a crazy psycho boyfriend who makes my life miserable! Life is great! I love school, and my job, and my normal friend, and I don't have to clean up after a dog. Oh you silly romantic comedies, all I have to say to YOU is whatever. You don't own me. Until next week. I still haven't seen Leap Year.
